Monday, November 15, 2010

Under The Knife

Today I've been thinking about how I could improve my life through plastic surgery.

My favorite magazine tells me that I'm of that age where I should be concerned about fine lines, sunspots (and not just because they disrupt satellite communications), free radicals wreaking havoc on my antioxidants and the inexorable retreat of perkiness in all my moving parts.  And in my parts that aren't supposed to move.

But they say plastic surgery is addictive, and that even after enduring great pain and expense the first time, there is a driving urge to get a second, a third, a fourth and many more procedures.  It's like getting your first cat.  And I'm starting to recognise my propensity to this kind of addiction.  When I told astrocave that I was thinking of getting a kitten to keep Stuart company and help control his violent outbursts, he told me that when you have a problem with a cat, and your solution is to get a second cat, then you're officially a Crazy Cat Woman.

But I digress.

There are many ridiculous and frightening cosmetic procedures out there: injection of botulism into the face, bleaching of things that should never be bleached, butt lifts, brushing teeth, removal of ribs, and, well, the list goes on and on.

These operations do not actually increase anyone's quality of life, but with a little creative thinking enormous improvements could be made through the realisation of the full potential of cosmetic surgery.  If I had enough money, these are the little nip tucks I would have done:

  1. Have my right arm replaced with another left arm.  I am left-handed and have very little use for a right arm.
  2. Have my eyes put in chameleon-like sockets.  This would make me a better parallel parker.
  3. Make the legendary "dessert stomach" a reality.
  4. Get some antlers.  For intimidation and holding yarn.
  5. Have my middle fingers extended by 10cm.  To help with road-rage and eating peanut butter.
  6. Have one of my knees reversed.  To help me run in circles.
  7. Get my underpants tattooed on.
  8. Extra teeth.

I'd keep the fine lines though.  It's important not to look as though you've had any work done.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Stuart's Song. Inspired by The Events Of The Past Twenty-Four Hours. With Apologies To Hunters & Collectors

I will come for you at night time
I will bite you in your sleep
I will vomit in four places
So watch out where you put your feet
I will squeeze the rage out of you
I will make you scream and make you cry
And we will never forget it
I will make you call my name
And you'll shout it with clenched fists to the sky
And we are sure to do this again
So don your gloves and let's get started
And I will throw my breakfast around me
Yeah, I will throw my breakfast around me

I woke you up at night time
And I attacked you in your sleep
I licked my private places
And then I licked your head and scratched your feet
So if I disappear out of view
You'd better lift your feet up on your chair
And though you try to forget it
I will make you call my name
And you'll shout it with clenched fists to the sky...
And we are sure to do this again...
So grab your Savlon, grab your gauze
And I will throw my claws around you
Yeah, I will throw my claws around you
Ohhh yeah...
I will throw my claws around you...
Yeah, I will throw my claws around you....

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Now What?

Yesterday my thesis was bound.

I will not look at it again before I submit it on Friday. I know that if I check over it now any spelling errors will be immediately obvious, even though during proof-reading they hid from view like the proverbial clown fish in the caesar salad.

So, in the words of Simon and Garfunkel, I've got nothing to do today but smile.

Or, less appropriately, as the Beatles said, I am the walrus.  Goo goo goo joob.

Or perhaps The Bedroom Philosopher put it best: I just felt like ice-cream wrapped in biscuit crumbs.

However true those sentiments are, today is not a day of rest for me.  For a start, yesterday I found an Easter egg behind the washing machine.  Either we have an infestation of bunnies, or I have found Stuart's secret chocolate stash. 

I'm heading into the laundry very soon with my reaching stick to find out which it is.

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