Thursday, October 14, 2010

Ten Things I Would Do If I Had A Monkey

  1. I would call him Gerald.  I would not get a female monkey.  Female monkeys are too ambitious.
  2. I would teach Gerald to drive and make him drive me to the supermarket on a Saturday morning, and if we couldn't find a park, he would wait in a no standing zone while I went in and got crisps and milk for me, and monkey food for him.
  3. I would let Gerald have a Facebook page.  Until he tired of it.
  4. I would go into a cafe with him and the waiter would say, "You can't bring a monkey in here," and I would say "What monkey?" and the waiter would get confused, and he would say, "OK, what do you want?" and I would say "I'd like a latte, one of those caramel slices and a banana."
  5. I would teach Gerald to speak when he wanted something, and he would teach me to screech when I wanted something.
  6. I would make Gerald brush his teeth, but he could only use his own toothbrush, or the Fella's.
  7. Sometimes I would dress Gerald up and put him in a pram and wheel him around, and when people came over to coo and stick their fingers in the pram, he would bite them before they could recoil in horror.
  8. I would play Scrabble with Gerald and take advantage of his poor spelling.  I would always keep score, so I would never let him win.
  9. I would make Gerald walk Ellen.
  10. I would teach Gerald to format a large bibliography and ensure references were consistent throughout the body of a large thesis.
Actually, it's mostly number 10 that I want a monkey for today.


  1. Sounds like it's the best of times, and it's the blurst of times.

  2. Which reference manager are you using? I'm just curious...

  3. I'm using Endnote. It's not the programme that's the problem, it's my scatter-gun approach to capitalisation!

  4. Ah. If you work out how to make Endnote include URLs in reference output would you mind telling me? I spent quite a bit of time last night putting them in (unfortunately a lot of referenced news articles, bastards.)


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