Friday, May 21, 2010

You're All Winners, But...

As promised, yesterday at 5:00pm Ellen drew the winner of the Million Paws Earrings Competition.

When I was thinking about how a winner could be chosen fairly, I recalled a bible story that used to be a favorite in our family.  Not sure if you know it - it's the Parable of Ruth and the Dangling Meatballs.

For those of you who didn't have a religious upbringing, the story goes like this:

Ruth was hard at work harvesting spelt when her father came to her and said her oxen were coveted by his neighbour, and while he didn't condone that sort of thing, he'd agreed to give the neighbour one of her oxen in return for his discretion on another matter.

"But Baba," said Ruth, "I love all my oxen equally, and is it not written that whomsoever shall separate a woman from her ox is but a marmoset in the eyes of the Lord?"

"Truly, the marmoset is loathed, daughter.  But did not the Lord also say that it would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a log to sit in your eye?"

"No, Baba.  I don't think he said that."

"Nonetheless, you are fortunate indeed to have such fine oxen.  Especially in light of the fact that the Canaanite Property Act of 45 BC forbids women to own any chattels.  Or oxen.  You must now honour me by choosing which of your oxen you shall surrender to my dear neighbour, Ahmed the Odd."

With a heavy heart, Ruth left the field to go and choose an ox.  She tore her hair and wailed as she thought about which of her animals to give away - they were as children to her, being deliberately barren as she was.  All were loved in equal measure: Nathan, Elias, Patrick, Bryce and Susan.  Which could she lose?

Unable to make the choice herself, she decided to use the 'dangling meatball' method that the Philistines used to employ when selecting places to invade.  Securing meatballs to reeds and hanging them from an olive tree, she wrote the name of one of her beloved oxen on each.

"The Lord will choose justly," she wept, as she released Sprinkles the dog to act as His agent in this most heinous of choices.

And lo, Sprinkles ate all but one of the meatballs, and thus was Elias chosen to pay for Ahmed's silence.

So this is the method I ultimately chose.  The film is abridged, but for those of you who do not trust my integrity, the entire footage is available.

Thanks again to everyone who sponsored Ellen.


  1. Lissy, I don't know where you get the time and energy to do these things, but they are enormously enjoyable. On behalf of the human race, I thank you.

  2. That was a super super excellent film. Send it to Tropfest.

    Congrats Bosca, you should look very snazzy in squid earings.

  3. That was hysterical. Also I think "Biblical marmoset" is probably the weirdest tag I have ever encountered.

    What was the track on the video?

  4. Glad you enjoyed it. The track is "Fleur de Saison" by Emilie Simon.


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