Wednesday, April 7, 2010

These Paws Were Made For Walking

The other day Ellen and I were sitting out on the deck having a respective chin and tail wag about life and about when dinner might be ready.

"You know," Ellen said to me, "This is pretty sweet.  The only thing that would make it better would be pork belly."  She leaned back and tried to put her arms behind her head, but was thwarted by her inflexible canine shoulder joints.

I was surprised, but not entirely.  This was the first sentence she had ever said, and I always thought that when she spoke, she would talk about pork, or processed pork products.

"Yes," I replied, "Pork is delicious.  Really, really delicious.  But do you know that there are lots of dogs out there that never taste pork?"  Having instilled Obedience, I thought I'd have a go at Social Conscience.

She looked at me blankly.

"It's true, " I continued.  "Do you remember when you were at the RSPCA, and there were lots of dogs there that had been treated very badly?  We chose you because you were such a good* girl, but not all dogs find a loving home so quickly."

She reflected for a moment before speaking.

"This home would be more loving if there was a bit more pork on offer."

"I think you're missing the point.  Don't you think there's something you could do to help them?"

She looked at me blankly.

"For example," I continued "you could participate in the Million Paws Walk and help raise money."

"There would be other dogs there?"

"Yes.  If the RSPCA achieves its goal, there will be 999,996 other dogs.  Or more, if there are any of those clever three-legged dogs there."

"Would you make me wear one of those twee bandanas?"

"Would you eat it?"


"Then no."

"OK then."

So we have signed Ellen up.  She has already started carb-loading for the big day, and we will start exercising closer to the time.  If you would like to support Ellen in her first ever event, we would be grateful for any donations.  You can donate here.

And one lucky** donor will win a pair of handcrafted sterling silver earrings.  I was thinking they'd be dog-themed, but you can chose ANY ANIMAL YOU WANT*** if you win, and I will make a striking pair of earrings just for you.  If you're not into animals, I'll even consider something botanical.

*compared to the Pit-Bull/leopard cross in the next kennel.
**or unlucky, if you hate earrings
***any REAL animal.  I don't do unicorns or spoodles.


  1. I know why you became an archaeologist, because your maths is crap. 1000000 divided by 4 is 250000 dogs. So you need to explain to Ellen that you lied and that the RSPCA is only expecting 249999 other dogs, unless of course there are some of those clever 3 legged ones in which case there may be 250012 other dogs.

  2. Poo.

    But three things. As previously stated, I blame the dentist for removal of my number smarts. Secondly, Ellen's maths is probably, well maybe, worse than mine, so a little exaggeration is not going to hurt if it results in her doing the walk. And thirdly, who cares about maths when you've got bitchin' haiku skills?

  3. Also with less than 2% of Australia's dog population in the ACT then that number goes down quite markedly. In fact you should stop being a bad mother and tell Ellen that there might be another 1000 dogs there if she is very lucky.

    Your haiku(s) suck.

  4. Don't EVER tell a woman she is a bad mother and a worse poet.

    Your words are like rusty little white-hot daggers, dipped in tabasco and stabbed in my sensitive poet's armpits.

  5. PS. To all those who are double checking my maths and the 1000 dog estimate I have taken into account the following things:

    1. I think that the RSPCA want/estimate is very very high indeed. I do not believe that a quarter of Australia's dog owners will be fit enough to walk the 5km let alone their dogs.

    2. As the ACT has the highest percentage of obese public servant dog owners than Australia's overall percentage, as a territory, they will have a lesser percentage than those of other places.

    Therefore I believe that at most they will get 1500 dogs walking. Go on unfit ACTers prove me wrong.

    Word for the day: Percentage.

  6. And once more. So lucky I'm a music educator and not a mathematician as I have committed the mistake first made by dearest crap poet Lissy (I should know, I have written a crap poem or two with her in my time) and forgot to divide by 4. So it should read 1/16th of Australia's dog owners and not 1/4. So perhaps, very liberally speaking, ACT might get 2000 dogs. Conservatively speaking (as I am a conservative chap) my estimate remains 1000.

  7. I am quivering with smugness.

  8. Heh, good luck with the walk!! I expect photos. As always.

  9. They appear to have gotten 3500 dogs last year in the ACT.

  10. Well Nerd, you have surprised me with your statistical gathering skills, as well as that statistic. Maybe all public servant dog owners are more zealous about fitness and dog walking than I thought (or maybe charities). Endorphins would definitely help with the ACT blues. Soo many variables.

    So Lissy, expecting that ACTians would be trying to beat last years total, perhaps after explaining all the above comments to Ellen, you could tell her that their will be 3499-3999 other dogs there. Take a photo of her expression at the end please.

  11. If I sponsor, and win your competition, will you make squid earrings?*

    *May or may not affect whether I do or do not sponsor

  12. If you sponsor, and if you win, you may have earrings in the form of any cephalopod you desire.


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