For Stuart, On The Occasion Of His Second Birthday. A Poem, Entitled "You're A Terrible Cat, But I'd Take You Over A Monkey Any Day."

Stuart, you're a pussycat,

You don't come from Nantucket,

You are, however, really fat,

And won't fit in a bucket.

Stuart, you're a psycho cat,

You bite and claw and scream,

I'd love to wake, and find out that

The scars were just a dream.

Stuart, you're a pesky cat,

There's nothing you aint clawed,

You've left your hair on this and that,

And stained the ironing board.

Stuart, you're a thieving cat,

You pilfer things that shine,

And never seem to notice that,

I'm angry when they're mine.

Stuart, you're an odd-ball cat,

You must have crazy genes,

Your appetite's so loco that

You'll even eat broad beans.

Stuart, you're a greedy cat,

You gobble like a hog,

You'll even curl up on the mat,

With treats nicked from the dog.

Stuart, you're a handsome cat,

With splendid hairy feet,

And though you do some stinky scat,

You're really very sweet.