Monday, October 19, 2009

Naked Adventures In Another Timezone

I have just returned from Adelaide where I was staying in a house with Children.  A two year old and a four year old, to be precise.

Almost immediately after I arrived, The Mother bundled the four year old into the car and said to me "Do you mind keeping an eye on Balthazar?*  I'll only be gone half an hour, and he should still be asleep when I get back." Shouldn't be too hard, I thought. "Sure. I'd be delighted."

The car had barely pulled out of the drive when a noise in the loungeroom distracted me from snooping in the kitchen cupboards.  I replaced a tin of old receipts, removed the hat I was trying on, and went to investigate.

Balthazar had awoken.  He was standing on the window sill in all his glory, greeting passers-by in the City of Churches with his nakedness, like a miniature Axle Whitehead.  No sign of clothing or nappy, and no sign of promised sleepiness.  He grinned a grin of innocent evil as only a two year old can.

Remembering I had seen some nappies in one of the bedrooms, I ran and got one.  Next challenge.  I figured the cartoon character went at the front, so I aligned it and sat the naked Child on it for installation.  He had to help me, but we got it on in the end.  It seemed a little tight, but it wasn't falling off, and modesty had been restored to the house.  I felt rather pleased with myself.

When The Mother came home, she said she was amazed I managed to get it on.  Hrumph, I thought, us Childless Persons aren't all useless.  No, she said, I meant this is a newborn nappy - it's two sizes too small for him.  Hmmm.  That would explain the bluish legs and the muffin top on what was a fairly slim toddler.

Still, nothing - absolutely nothing - was going to escape from that nappy, and that, after all, was the most important outcome.  Mission accomplished.  I smugly ate cheese while The Mother changed him into a larger nappy.

*not his real name.

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