Thursday, August 27, 2009

Lost In Translation

As expected, Ellen's report card last night was not glowing.  This time it said "Needs to work on walking and control."  I am not surprised.  Ellen neither walks, nor has any control.

However, I do think we are both making progress.  There are some commands Ellen will respond to now (albeit with the promise of sausage), and I think I am learning to understand the teacher a bit better.  Like Confucius, his wisdom is sometimes cleverly veiled in seemingly simple phrases.  For example, Confucius said "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."  What he really meant by this was, "If  you love marine biology, pursue it, but you will never find a job.  Aim low, Grasshopper."

But I digress.  These are some of the things our teacher said last night, along with translations of what he actually meant:

   Words Spoken With Forked Tongue   
    The Real Message   

This course is all about you forming a better working relationship with your dog. It's not about who learns to drop the quickest, and whether you graduate to the next class.

You. With the labrador. You are going to fail.

In the short time you've been doing this I've seen you all make real progress..........

.....except you.  With the labrador.

Now see what those two [pointing to Weasel-face and Ellen] are doing?  That's "socialising."

You.  With the labrador.  Keep your @#$% dog away from the others while I'm talking.

He's a little nervous [pointing to The Hound of the Baskervilles].

Don't go near that dog if you value your face.
You'll notice a great improvement if you practise this at home.
You.  With the labrador.  I know that rather than spend the necessary time training, you sit around watching Hitchcock movies together and reinforcing each other's bad habits.  

Now this exercise is a little tricky.

I know you haven't mastered the basics yet.  I'm doing this because I hate you.

Be careful with treating your dog.  If they think they'll get a treat every time they do something, they'll stop obeying you.

You. Labrador girl.  Don't think I haven't noticed your dog pretends she doesn't know you unless you have a sausage between your eyes.

Now, I want you to run to the fence, turn and run back.

This is not really necessary.  I'm doing this because I hate you.

Adolescence in labradors can last up until they're two years old.

Your dog is a lost cause.  Have you considered getting a standard poodle instead?

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