Sunday, July 5, 2009

The Tao of Poo

The world is full of those nauseating little books with pithy little words of wisdom that are supposed to make you smile and think a little wistfully about things.  I struggle to do those two things at the same time, so they just give me the irrits.

Winnie the Pooh, fat babies and, of course, dogs are favorite subjects of these books.  Gems such as "Wag and the world wags with you", or "Love is a wet nose" accompany soft-focus photos of adorable and well-behaved puppies with big blue eyes and wrinkly little smiles.  Of course I'm not immune to the charms of a milky little bundle of fur, but I doubt these dogs are able to pass on much wisdom at all.  They clearly lack life experience, and let's be frank, brains.

That said, I've found that there are many valuable things a dog can teach us.  So, based on my experience over the past week, I present my list of 


1: Poo is delicious.  Possum, bird or dog poo (your own or someone else's), it doesn't matter.  Just eat it before someone yells at you.

2: Being really naughty will get you treats.  Your owner has probably read one of those books that tell her to NEVER punish you when you're doing the wrong thing, but to reward good behaviour.  So jump at her face, then tear her clothes for a bit.  When you tire and sit down you'll get a liver chip.

3: Clothes pegs are clearly extremely valuable, as they are very closely guarded.  Run off with a pair of underpants from the washing basket and leave them in a puddle. When your owner runs to retrieve them, the peg basket will be unguarded, and you can snatch a whole mouthful.

4: If you have to vomit, do it on your bed.

5: Unless you can actually see your owner holding a treat, it's best to feign deafness.

6: Worrying at your stitches will probably result in treats.

7: It's fun to ruin people's clothes.  Visitors will smile politely at your friendly exuberance as you are tearing at their trousers like a shark.  This will work until your owner notices the visitors and comes outside.  Then you will get a liver chip for settling down and being a good girl.

1 comment:

  1. Note to self: wear trousers made of strong fabric on next visit.


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