Monday, November 15, 2010

Under The Knife

Today I've been thinking about how I could improve my life through plastic surgery.

My favorite magazine tells me that I'm of that age where I should be concerned about fine lines, sunspots (and not just because they disrupt satellite communications), free radicals wreaking havoc on my antioxidants and the inexorable retreat of perkiness in all my moving parts.  And in my parts that aren't supposed to move.

But they say plastic surgery is addictive, and that even after enduring great pain and expense the first time, there is a driving urge to get a second, a third, a fourth and many more procedures.  It's like getting your first cat.  And I'm starting to recognise my propensity to this kind of addiction.  When I told astrocave that I was thinking of getting a kitten to keep Stuart company and help control his violent outbursts, he told me that when you have a problem with a cat, and your solution is to get a second cat, then you're officially a Crazy Cat Woman.

But I digress.

There are many ridiculous and frightening cosmetic procedures out there: injection of botulism into the face, bleaching of things that should never be bleached, butt lifts, brushing teeth, removal of ribs, and, well, the list goes on and on.

These operations do not actually increase anyone's quality of life, but with a little creative thinking enormous improvements could be made through the realisation of the full potential of cosmetic surgery.  If I had enough money, these are the little nip tucks I would have done:

  1. Have my right arm replaced with another left arm.  I am left-handed and have very little use for a right arm.
  2. Have my eyes put in chameleon-like sockets.  This would make me a better parallel parker.
  3. Make the legendary "dessert stomach" a reality.
  4. Get some antlers.  For intimidation and holding yarn.
  5. Have my middle fingers extended by 10cm.  To help with road-rage and eating peanut butter.
  6. Have one of my knees reversed.  To help me run in circles.
  7. Get my underpants tattooed on.
  8. Extra teeth.

I'd keep the fine lines though.  It's important not to look as though you've had any work done.

1 comment:

  1. This is why I don't blog any more, your's is just too damn funny.

    ReplyDelete

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