Wednesday, December 30, 2009

2010: The Year In Preview

New Year's Eve is invariably the most disappointing celebration of all: less chocolatey than Easter, more expensive than Anzac Day, less fragrant than Diwali, and far less satisfying than Pancake Tuesday.  With that in mind, the Fella and I have already celebrated it: we just returned from a lovely picnic in the Botanic Gardens with an old friend, and with this new friend, who was taking a very unhealthy interest in my roast chicken.



The picnic was very nice, but ended prematurely when I knocked a glass of champagne into the Fella's lap while I was doing an impersonation of a cat shaving a leg of ham.  It's as hilarious as it sounds.

So with the frivolity behind us, there's nothing to do tonight but sit around wallowing in regrets, trepidation and cold chicken.  I, for one, will have sucked the last of the bones clean long before midnight and tucked myself into bed.

That said, I'm not a complete misery, and do enjoy the glimmer of hope that comes with throwing the lit match over my shoulder at the close of one year, and striding out in the freshly-laundered jocks of the new year.  And this particular new year holds a lot of promise.  So, I thought, rather than indulging in what livebird claims is the lazy journalistic technique of reviewing the past year, I thought I would review for you all the things that are going to happen in 2010.

SPOILER ALERT - don't read on if you want it all to be a surprise.

JANUARY:  I will start the year on a half-diet.  It can only be a half-diet, because it is my birthday month, and also there are lots of rumballs left over from Christmas.  For my birthday I will get a benchgrinder, the Sebastian Faulks novel I wanted, an electrical circuit etching kit (for arty purposes) and some cheeses.

FEBRUARY:  I start my diet in earnest and finish it on February 3 when somebody leaves me near some unattended chilli salt squid.  The Oscars happen and Avatar wins best special effects, disappointing all the Wild Things fans.  Penelope Cruz wears something red and breasty (as in a dress, not a robin).

SMARCH:  There is a ferry disaster in the Philippines, but nobody takes much notice as there are no Australians on board.

APRIL:  Red Tulip will try and win over a new generation of Easter egg consumers with their Bindi Irwin egg.  The resemblance is too off-putting and the campaign is a massive failure.  The smashed up Bindis are donated to piggeries, and the Elegant Rabbit re-takes the crown as Best Easter Egg Ever.

MAY:  Peter Costello comes back and takes the Liberal leadership.  Julie Bishop remains deputy.

JUNE:  The shortest day of the year is found to be three minutes longer than the day before it.  Climate scientists are very, very concerned.  Tim Flannery and Ian Plimer fight it out in a cage.  Avocadoes are expensive and very poor quality this month.

JULY:  Fairy Penguins surprise everyone by leaving Phillip Island.  It is thought they have gone to the south coast of NSW.

AUGUST:  Fairy Penguins move back to Phillip Island, and people wonder if they perhaps had never left in the first place and maybe they hadn't looked hard enough for them.

SEPTEMBER:  Crocs (the shoes, not the crocodilians) are made illegal everywhere except the ACT.  This results in a mass migration of bogans, and the climate scientists are all like, see, I told you so, and then someone explains it to them.  Ian Plimer and Tim Flannery are still cage fighting.

OCTOBER:  Tony Abbott is caught in a strip club and his popularity plummets.  He claims this is not fair.  The Booker Prize is announced this month.  All the shortlisted books are from the hilarious "Classics meets folkloric pop-culture monsters" genre.  The winner is "The Unbearable Lightness of Lesbian Vampire Killers," which just nudges out "The Merchant of Venice and Bigfoot."

NOVEMBER: The Arias happen.  An Idol runner-up wins most categories, and the surprise overseas presenter will be Kevin Federline.

DECEMBER:  Pluto is re-admitted into the solar system and astronomers acknowledge there was a terrible, terrible mistake.  Also Christmas.  For Christmas I get another kitten.

Happy New Year everyone.

1 comment:

  1. ROFL,PMSL LOL ROFPMSL!

    Looking forward to December

    ReplyDelete

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