Wednesday, August 5, 2009

10 Pieces of Advice For Stuart

In a few days it will be one year since I got Stuart.  In that time we have both put a lot of weight on, but only one of us has a belly that brushes against the ground.  Stuart has certainly settled in, but like Ellen, there are things he should be told.

1.  Last night you stole half a capsicum from me when I was making noodles.  This doesn't please me.

2.  Some cats do adorable things that result in funny photos that can be made into hilarious LOLcats.  You are not a LOLcat.  You are more like a WTFcat.

3.  If you need to use your bowels, you should just go.  You don't need to stand there with your legs crossed until I've cleaned your tray.

4.  Standing on my pillow at 5:00am and licking my hair will not result in an earlier breakfast.  It doesn't work for the Fella, and it won't work for you.

5.  You can't kill me with your stare.  Even if your eyes are really, really narrow.

6.  Spending an hour noisily licking your forearms does not constitute a comprehensive wash.

7.  If the dog breaks the window because you're sitting on the other side teasing her, you will be the one at fault.

8.  Beetroot leaves are neither delicious, nor essential for cat health.  You do not need to steal them.  When my bags are on the floor after I've returned from the farmers' market, and you're making honking noises as you're stripping the stems, I can hear you from the next room.

9.  Talking to a moth will not kill it.  No matter how much you chatter your teeth.

10.  If the only time you tell me you love me is in the half hour before meals, I may start to doubt your sincerity.

He is attacking my feet as I write this.  Sigh.

3 comments:

  1. how did he steal a capsicum? and what did he do with it?

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  2. My back was turned, so I don't know what crafty cat techniques he employed to steal it. I confiscated it before he could do whatever it was he was going to do with it. I suspect his grand plan was to swat it around until it got lost under a piece of furniture.

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  3. You are more like a WTFcat

    Brilliant. :-)

    ReplyDelete

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